"H is for Happy Home" is the sentence I uttered every time I pulled up to this doorway. This is the entrance to the apartment my babies and I shared when I left my ex-husband 11 years ago (we were all the way down the stairs to the left, half underground). This is where I started over. This is where I taught my kids what a happy home looked like, even when I felt like I was crumbling inside.
I look back on this photo, this doorway, this H that symbolized so much for me all those years ago and it reminds me not just where I have been but how far I have come since then.
I have rebuilt my life from broke in this basement apartment (it was "Happy" but… it wasn't a great place) to living a life I am proud of. I am happy. I am whole. My kids are thriving. My finances are stable. My new husband loves me. I love me. It's beautiful. So many times I heard "I don't know how you do it," when referring to me raising two small children by myself while working full time and recovering in all the ways from abuse and divorce. I would joke and be like "I don't know either!" But… I do know.
I did very specific things to pick myself up from my lowest times. I call it Addressing Your Mess. Because we all have messes in our lives - I like to use the acronym MESS to mean Multiple Experiences Sustained and Survived. Because that is life, a series of messes that we go through. So, how did I Address My Mess?
✨ I faced my bullshit - I took a long hard look at myself and where I needed to change, because I can't control how other people behave, I can only control how I act and react. Self-awareness is crucial to heal from trauma.
✨ I embraced course correction - Once I gave myself permission to walk away from my marriage, I realized that it was OK for me to change my mind and fix my mistakes. I knew that I didn't have to stay in a place that was killing me on the inside just because I made a promise.
✨ I released expectations - Realizing I cannot control other people's behavior led to me realizing that expecting them to behave in a certain way was actually causing a lot of my distress. The same went for expectations of myself. Facing what IS rather than what I think SHOULD BE allowed me discernment in my choices and relationships.
✨ I discovered and established boundaries - If you release expectations, it doesn't mean you let people walk all over you OR allow yourself to act a fool. Boundaries have been an amazingly FREEING aspect of my healing and rebuilding by allowing me to take control of how I interact with people as well as who I interact with.
✨ I found my people - I realized that some of the people I had in my sphere were not what I needed on my healing journey. It's OK if someone is there for a season or a reason. It's also OK to let them go. This realization allowed me the space and the energy to attract and gravitate toward the people who belonged on the journey with me and it has made all the difference.
✨ I fell in love… with MYSELF - Self-love was one of the hardest things for me but it has been one of the greatest. I spent time working on it. Like any relationship, it takes work and effort. Loving myself has helped heal so many broken parts of me and allowed me to make choices that are best for me and not always falling back into people pleasing.
✨ I found forgiveness - Forgiving those who are not sorry is hard, but the forgiveness allowed me to release a lot of pent up anger that was continuing to poison me. I also forgave myself for the things I chose, enabled, blamed myself for, and the mistakes I made. In that forgiveness, I realized how thankful I was for the pain and experiences, because they are what have given me resilience, wisdom, and growth.
✨ I found deep gratitude - Every situation that comes up, I look for the lesson and am grateful for it. I look at this life as a series of educational opportunities rather than a series of "why did this have to happen to me??" Victor mentality over victim mentality. I am so grateful for my wounds, because I am a badass with these scars.
So, if you ever need to pick yourself up, you have my quick playbook on how to Address Your Mess.