It's my 45th birthday! I've always been reflective of where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going around my birthday. I actually used to create a document of my life plan and try to detail out what I want to accomplish each year ahead. I don't do that anymore because my life took too many twists and turns for me to check the appropriate goal off my list at the exact time I planned for it. That was a lesson in and of itself. Goals are wonderful and necessary but timetables are fluid and going with the flow can often be more productive than rigidity. Which brings me to Lesson #1:
1. Expectations Often Lead to Disappointment
This one is going to ruffle a few feathers but I don't care. My biggest problem in dealing with other people in the past - be it friends, family, coworkers, etc - was expectations. We have a society that is STRUCTURED for expectations and we don’t question it. People are supposed to live up to what is expected of them based upon the role they play in other people's lives. But it's bullshit. One of the biggest things I have learned through the practice of yoga is the releasing of attachments, especially when it comes to expectations. We become so attached to the "they should be doing this" that we don't often stop to wonder if it's something that person agreed to or is even capable of. Stop and think about that for a moment. I EXPECTED my ex-husband to be a loving and doting husband and father. I knew he was already divorced with a son who lived 600 miles away but in spite of that evidence, I still placed that expectation on him because that is what societal structure tells us a husband should be. But he's a narcissist and therefore, not capable. I wasn't willing to see that and continued to place expectations in spite of them continually not being met. That created a lot of conflict. Now, that's an extreme case in my life but there have been others not so extreme. After going through a lot of learning, healing, and studying yogic principles, I realized how many expectations I placed on others that they never agreed to and, in turn, how many were placed onto me that I never agreed to. Think about that. When you "expect" someone to act a certain way, did you discuss the expectation with them and did they agree to it? Or did you make an assumption based on social or cultural so-called norms? In turn, have you been in situations where a friend or family member assumed you would fulfill a certain duty or act a certain way that had you scratching your head wondering when the heck you ever agreed to that? This is why expectations often lead to disappointment. Most of the time, they're never agreed to. Back to yogic principles for clarification: the whole path to enlightenment involves releasing attachments to ANYTHING, which is hard to do, but expectations is the best thing to start focusing on because it will change your life. How do we release expectations? It can be hard to do this mind shift at first, but self-awareness and awareness of others is key. If we're blindly looking at people as their roles in our lives (parent, sibling, friend, boss), we're conditioned to assign expectations based on those roles and not based on the person. So, instead, we look at the person. Is my mother capable of being supportive of me in this way? Is this friend someone that I can rely on when I have an emergency? Is my boss able to manage me in this way? When you ask yourself these questions about the person and not the role, you often find a different answer than your expectation. And that's OK. It's not to say that person can't be in your life because they don't fill the role the way you EXPECT or want them to. It just means that maybe mom isn't the person you run to when you get a promotion at work, or maybe that's not the friend you call when you need help. Assessing how your people act and interact with you from a personal level rather than a role level will actually make your life so much better and less stressful. I'm telling you, this will change your life. It may also change your circle a bit and that may be a wonderful thing.
2. Boundaries are IN, People Pleasing is OUT
I'm still a recovering people pleaser, it's so ingrained that I truly have to think about it a lot. But, I have come a long way, baby! Growing up with a narcissistic mother (are we seeing a pattern??), I was born and bred to people please. Anyone will do but she was the number one person to please. The whole household knew this. Some abided, some rebelled, but all knew that if Mom wasn't happy, nobody was. Because of this dynamic at home, I became constantly in fear of disappointment everyone. I thought it was literally my job to make life easier for everyone else. In teenage years into young adulthood, I would drive the farthest to meet up with friends to make sure they didn't have to meet up with me. If I invited people to my home and it was far away, I was wracked with guilt, even when I'd driven that same distance to go to them. I would take on as much as I could at my jobs and in different scenarios and I would NEVER EVER ASK FOR HELP. Ever. Especially not from my ex-husband. Asking for help from a narcissistic abuser is a one way ticket to getting screamed at for how awful you are and how dare you. So I people pleased around that as well. I had to make everyone happy. Did it work? Did anyone notice? Did anyone care? Probably not. There is no award for people pleasing, only damage to your own sense of self, energy, and self-worth. It wasn't until I went on my self-love journey that I realized people pleasing was destroying me as a person. So, that's when Boundaries came into play. I know, boundaries have become a buzz word in the same way that narcissism has. However, the most beautiful thing I have ever done for myself is set boundaries. Not all of them were verbal, silent boundaries work well. Pulling back from situations that drained me, walking away from relationships where my needs weren't respected, putting myself first and asking "is this something that I want?" were all silent boundaries I set. There were verbal ones as well. After my mom died I decided I wanted us to have the Christmas I always desired as a child. No more putting toys away first thing and getting into scratchy fancy clothes to go to someone's house or host other people. Nope. I told my siblings I'll see them Christmas Eve, but Christmas Day is for pajamas and making messes and Christmas movies and we're not seeing anyone else. I was nervous about doing it, but it's been 4 Christmases of that and my siblings have gone and done their own thing and I regret nothing because it's been amazing for us. Boundaries can be scary, but, as they say, the people who are the most upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefited from you not having any (when you were a people pleaser). So bite the bullet and set those boundaries!
3. It's OK to Fall Down, Change Your Mind, and Make Mistakes
We came here to Earth at this time in this form with these struggles for a reason - to fall down and then learn from that so that we can further our soul's growth. That may seem completely woo woo to you but at the end of the day, it means that we're meant to just be human - flaws, mistakes, and lessons. There's nothing wrong with that. The important thing is what you do AFTER you fall down, change your mind, and make mistakes. I'll tell you something I don't tell many people. My mother determined long ago that I make bad decisions. That was my label as her child, my siblings had other "labels." I was told this by my sister. And that is my reputation among my family, and sometimes my (former) friends. I make bad decisions. But what people don't always talk about is what I have done after those "bad decisions." Did I marry the wrong person? Yep. Did I allow the financial devastation that the marriage brought upon me? Yep. Did I do things out of desperation that may have not been the best course of action? Yep. The thing is, we all make mistakes, we have all made bad decisions, we've all fallen down. It doesn't define who we are. It certainly doesn't define who I am in spite of what some may think. I have never EVER given up. I have always worked so hard to pick myself back up, remedy a situation when I can or walk the hell away from it when I can't. I've gone from the brink of filing bankruptcy to having an excellent credit score. I've gone from a terribly toxic and abusive marriage to raising my wonderful kids on my own, finding self-love, and marrying someone who loves and values me. Your mistakes do not define you, it's how you pick yourself back up that matters. You are here on this planet at this time to learn resilience and strength. You're supposed to go through hard and sucky times, that's what we're here for! Earth is the "school," the hard place, the life where you get knocked down with traumas left and right. And your literal purpose is to GET BACK UP and keep going. So don't let anyone tell you that your mistakes define you. Don't let anyone put you down for being human and falling down. You just keep picking yourself back up and keep on building the best life you could ever dream of.
4.Self-Awareness is a Key Component of A Happy Life
I've been a huge fan of self-awareness for a while now but I didn't always have it. But at this point I truly believe that one of the cornerstones of living a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life is to become supremely aware of ourselves, our bullshit, our patterns, our strengths, our desires, and our purpose. It sounds super intuitive, right? For some, yes. But not for everyone. Once again I go back to societal conditioning. We're not conditioned to be self-aware. No, we are actually conditioned to blame outside forces for what is "wrong" with ourselves. Don't believe me? Look at the beauty industry, the "health" industry, the weight loss industry… all telling you that your problems can be solved by a cream or a pill. But, your health problems are not due to a biological lack of pharmaceuticals, there is always a root cause. But how does this relate to everyday life and our own bullshit and such? I'll tell you that self-awareness is one of the first things I turned to when recovering from narcissistic abuse and my divorce. Because I didn't know what had happened - I didn't know he was a narcissist until I entered therapy a couple years later - and I couldn't really understand it. So I did the only thing I could think of, which was look to myself and my part in all of it. No, I wasn't blaming myself, I was examining my actions, my feelings, my reasons for the way I did things to see where I could figure out how to heal from the past 10 years. Even after learning of the narcissism, I still turned to self-awareness. Where did I ignore red flags? Where did I enable the behavior (people pleasing, not setting boundaries… it's all full circle)? How can I work through this pain to heal so that I can become the best mother I can be for these kids? It's easy to blame outside forces - the people who hurt us, the food industry for making us unhealthy, the politicians for our financial situation. It's a lot harder, though, to look at ourselves and realize our part in everything. And its not victim blaming AT. ALL. It's actually empowerment because the ONLY thing we can have control over in this world is how we act and react to everything around us. We cannot control how other people treat us, we can only control if we put up with it or not. We cannot control (on an individual level) the toxins that are put into our food supply, we can only control if we decide to eat that toxic food or not. And so on. So when you become supremely self-aware and understand that your thoughts, actions, and decisions are the only thing you really have control over, you begin to move differently in the world. You choose different paths that lead to more of what you want and less of what you don't. Your self-awareness becomes a superpower in bringing you towards the happiest life you could possibly live.
5. Love your Damn Self
This is the one. This is the most important one. If you take nothing else from this post, please just write down on a sticky note and put on your mirror: "Love Your Damn Self." I was not raised to love myself. I was raised to believe that someone else's opinion of me mattered more than my own. That loving, praising, or thinking of myself was selfish. This caused me to do a lot of things that were not very good for me. Maintain relationships with dynamics that weren't healthy. Seek out love from outside sources when I so desperately just needed to give it to myself. My lack of self-love is why I became a target for narcissists - before and AFTER my first marriage. Dating without self-love is like a beacon for people wanting to take advantage of someone. This also goes for family and friend platonic relationships. That lack of self-love prevents boundaries and invites people pleasing. If you make people happy, they'll love you and you need that. After falling down many times and wondering "what's wrong with me?" I got a huge wakeup call from a women's empowerment book. The author describes the moment she realized that she loved herself and it suddenly dawned on me that SELF-LOVE is exactly what I had been missing all along. But how? How do you develop self-love? Love isn’t something that just happens, it’s something that is nurtured and developed and changes over time. Think of the steps you take to fall in love with a partner. First you have to meet them, that could be intentional or not but let’s say it is. You find that person. You start to get to know them. You go out on dates, spend time, nurture the relationship. You start to feel yourself "falling." Then one day it’s like “OK, I’m in love.” And then you continue to nurture the relationship so the love sustains, grows, and increases. Self-Love works the same way. Be intentional about it. Decide that you are going to fall in love. So you meet yourself. Spend time with yourself. Nurture your relationship with your true self. Give yourself the things that make you happy. Stay away from the things that make you loathe yourself. The people that put your true self down or force you to suppress it. Nourish your body with foods that enhance your wellness. Move your body in ways that improve your life. Choose yourself, even if you don’t want to. Act like you love and value yourself, even if in the moment you don’t. In time, love will grow and one day you have that "ah ha" moment of loving your damn self. And that is when the rest of your life starts because when you are loving yourself fully, you are making healthier choices, nurturing healthier relationships, and pursuing a beautiful life. Taking the time to nurture my own self-love brought me the love of my life (my new husband) and the most beautiful life I could ever imagine.
I've laid a lot bare here but it was important for me to express these experiences and how they led to these very important lessons I've learned in my 45 years on this planet. I encourage anyone to do the same - tell your story, lay your scars out for others to learn from, share your life lessons. We are here not just to learn from our experiences, but to learn from each other.